Do What You Love

How can we survive another day?

I recently read Uncle Tungsten: Memories of a Chemical Boyhood, which is an affectionate and detailed memoir by Oliver Sacks. And now—I must acquire a wall size periodic table of the elements so I can memorize the noble gases. The idea of reading a book and learning something new lifts me from the gravity of stagnation.

I wasn’t a doomsayer at birth, but I was born reluctant.

Everything has always been slightly fuzzy to me. I am constantly practicing the ninja warrior feigning sleep pose, which embraces the power of sublime ignorance.

Today is fresh produce. If I bought it yesterday it would be unripe. If I bought it tomorrow it would be decadent.

I love the scene in Silver Linings Playbook where the Bradley Cooper character throws the Hemingway book out of the window because he wasn't satisfied with the ending.

"The world's hard enough as it is guys. It's fucking hard enough as it is. Can't somebody say, hey let's be positive, let's have a good ending to the story." — Pat Solitano

Ok Pat, let me be that somebody. Here’s my enchanted finale.

My bedridden grandma was an avid reader. When I visited her in the convalescent home I would always bring her two things: a pint of bourbon and a mystery novel. I would sit in a chair next to her and we'd both read our books and I'd leave after she fell asleep. On a Friday when the sun was setting low, I watched granny take a nip, then turn a page. Nip, then turn. Nip. Then turn. It was a soothing visual for me, seeing her under the blanket with those rosy cheeks. At the time I was reading The Collected Poems by Sylvia Plath, which trained me to focus and read slowly. I was immersed in the poem "Channel Crossing" which read:

"On storm-struck deck, wind sirens caterwaul. With each tilt, shock and shudder, our blunt ship cleaves forward into fury. Dark as anger, waves wallop, assaulting the stubborn hull. Flayed by spray, we take the challenge up, grip the rail, squint ahead, and wonder how much longer such force can last."

When I finished the verse I noticed a peaceful silence. I lifted my eyes and looked at Grandma's gentle face. Was she? … Oh no. The mystery slid out of her hand, bounced off the comforter, and thudded against the dusty wooden floorboard. Her bookmark, freed from the deckled pages, fluttered beneath the hissing radiator, disappearing amidst the fur balls and the dust bunnies.

I stared at her glassy eyes: absent of desire or suffering.

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Instead of Vengeance

Mercy! She felt better after a toke. Was it naive to be redeemed by a puff a smoke?

When he drove the beltway between Baltimore and the District of Columbia he invoked an inner mantra: Do not engage the serpent.

Her prose was a retelling of countless yesterdays. But she eventually grew tired of that approach. Nowadays she conjured voices for an infinite self. It didn’t matter if she told the truth anymore.

When he smoked weed he couldn’t read books. He could read, but he kept reading the same sentence over and over, which was annoying. So when he read, he’d sip a slow brewed dark roast instead.

She thought failure was a hoax so she removed the word from her lexicon in 1999.

He drove the distance between Maryland and Virginia countless times and he always succumbed to road rage. He couldn't shake it. He was seduced by anger and increasingly concerned. Driving was a miserable test of ego.

She appreciated an amusing page turner but she slowed down every now and again to ponder a bit of gospel.

He never liked the idea of declaring his lack of ambition. "So what do you do?" asked the barfly at the 2-for-1 happy hour in Midtown. His face wilted in reply. But if queried, "What do you obsess about?" He was fully attentive.

She used to drink red wine.

He enjoyed watching the Pittsburgh Steelers but he muted the announcers and the commercials. He didn’t talk to his family much but when he watched the games he thought about them.

She isolated herself from society yet delighted in the quotidian comforts of a liaison.

Temper is revealing, and the last time he drove to DC—he was cool as a cucumber. He practiced self reflection on a QWERTY keyboard and a yoga mat.

They are ready to write the next chapter.

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Closed Captions

Intro music, blows out smoke, wood creaks, sound of footsteps, rooster crows, cat meows, opening title music, opening credits, song fades dramatically, fly buzzing, car door opens, door closes, car engine starts, engine revs, zooms, creaks, clanks, squeaks, rolls, door knocks, knocking, door opens, crickets chirping, door squeaks, closes, clinking, groans, awkward silence, gasps, grunts, cat meows, cat whines, sniffles, clinks keys, smirks, sound of footsteps, squeaks, door opens, thuds, door closes, clanks, door opens, car engine starts, revs, tire screeches, accelerates, grunts, punches, groaning, somber music, soft chuckles, disturbance, man speaking on TV, gasps, scoffs, chuckles, birds chirping, dramatic sound effect, shoes creak, approaching footsteps, car door opens, car door closes, door opens, thuds, door closes, clears throat, counting banknotes, soft sinister music, sucks finger, groans, sinister music continues, tense eerie sound, door opens, clanks, thuds, slams, car door closes, engine starts, revs, chimes, sound of footsteps climbing, song playing, soft pop music, music continues, sound of footsteps, ominous silence, awkward silence, door opens, taps, door closes, water trickles, soft upbeat music, clanks, sniffles, deep sniffles, gasps, upbeat music continues, lighter clinks, banknotes rustle, briefcase closes, music continues, sniffles, gasps, upbeat music, music intensifies, intense sinister music, upbeat percussive music, percussive music continues, claps, snap fingers, mutters, sniffles, clears throat, deep sniffs, gasps, dings, sniffing, metal clanks, echos, percussive music continues, music fading, clicks, grunts, eerie ominous sound, soft chuckles, dramatic ominous sound, chews, grunts, groans, spits out finger, groaning, wailing, pleas, begs, crying, sobs, cries, wails, growls, bites, blood splatters, tense ominous music, phone keypad beeping, phone ringing, voice mail, dramatic tense music, keypad beeps, phone dialing, ringing, clatters, dramatic intense music continues, music fades, sound of footsteps, awkward silence, metal gate clanks, squeaks, knocking door, clucks, door creaks open, footsteps, keys clink, briefcase opens, briefcase closes, train horn blowing, train rattling, soft sentimental music, deep exhales, approaching footsteps, ominous music, chair scrapes, music intensifies, intense electronic music, music tones down, soft piano music, cheerful music, intense jazz music, rustles, music fades, pants, sound of footsteps, cigarette trickles, treading, treading faster, ominous sound, creaking of footsteps, clucks, rustles, sound fades, creepy music builds up, sound of footsteps, dramatic effect, bangs, creepy silence, growls, deep sharp exhale, scary voice, crying, sobs, grunts, shaky cries, clatters, diminishing footsteps, clucks, rolling of skateboard, skateboard scrapes, rattles, clanks, drags, sniffs, upbeat party music, indistinct chatter, laughs, smirks, indistinct murmurs, nods, rolls eyes, party music continues, music fades, intense percussive music, seductive voice, thumps, music continues, chatters, murmurs, music tones down, indistinct laughs, music fades, approaching footsteps, crickets chirping, blurry vision, skateboard scraping, footsteps clicking, spits, approaching footsteps, deep exhales, thuds, wind whistling softly, gasps, clomps, skateboard rolls, deep exhales, rolling, creaking, record player starts, pop music starts, creaks, music intensifies, thumping, thumps continue, thumps fade, gentle music playing, calming melodious opera, tense suspenseful music, sounds of heels, clicks, keys clink, scratches, sound of footsteps, dramatic thump, taps, clinks, clanks, gasps, lighter clicks, creepy creaks and clanks, intense ominous sound, thunder roars, dripping sound, whacks, grunts, groans, groaning, sound of footsteps, whirring, footsteps approaching, sinister ominous sound, dramatic sound effect, whooshes, creaks, paper bag rustles, rustling, sniffles, shoes creaking, door opens, music player starts, music playing, song continues to play, lighter clicks, lighter closes, nods, groans, romantic music continues, awkward silence, steam whooshes, roaring sound, train rattles, clatters, dramatic suspenseful music builds, indistinct ringing, tense music, thuds, clicks, sizzles, record player starts, melodious music, bed squeaks, song continues, thuds, zipper slides, gasps, grunts, song continues, thuds softly, breathing heavily, bed creaks, gasps, rustles, song continues to play, eerie rumbles, bangs, screech, thuds, intense ominous percussion, grunts, groans, crunches, gnawing, thunderous rumbles, shaky breath, sighing, dragging, thunders, scrapes, dripping, machine growls, birds chirping, loud bang, soft ominous music, sighing, crow caws, heavy breathing, water trickles, zipper slides, clatters, rustles, car whirrs, rumbles, thunderous thrums, dramatic growl, approaching footsteps, dramatic zoom effect, clucks, door opens, screeches, squeaks, sighing, pants, sniffles, clanks, gasping, snaps, clatters, cat meows, sinister music, dramatic, suspicious music, clinking, car whirrs, engine stops, crickets chirping, car door opens, car door slams, soft whooshing, awkward silence, sound of approaching footsteps, car door opens, car door closes, whooshing continues, clucks, dashboard closes, pop music plays, car engine roars, song continues, music fades, closing credits, outro music.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, 2014 (abridged)

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