Snap Out of It

I woke up today and my face was sagging a bit. My bones ached. I needed to wake up. And fast.

Our meeting was scheduled at 9am. Sharp. Don't be late. Coffee, yup yup yup. A banana. Brush my teeth. Black pants? Sure. Black sweater? K. Black shoes? Wait a second. Next comes the black gloves, the black coat, the black hat. Snap out of it. You look fine. Everyone wears black in New York. But this isn't New York.

Today was my first day of teaching a beginning photography class. I rented a room. I posted an ad. I was taking reservations. One person replied.

I arrived at 8:30. Nervous. I opened my laptop, sipped the warm joe and reviewed my notes. My student burst through the door at 9:15. His name was Grey. He apologized for being late, his forehead was sweating, he had dark circles under his eyes and he immediately told me he forgot his camera.

Ain't a thing, Grey. I offered him my coffee. With his coat hanging off his shoulder he dropped down to his knees and started to cry. He lifted his head and confessed. "I could barely get out of bed today. My head is throbbing. I am tired, so very, very tired. I'm not sure why I signed up for this class. I don't even have a camera. I'm sorry. I hate myself. And then you offered me your coffee. And I'm sensitive. And small gestures mean everything to me. And I do enjoy looking at photos and daydreaming and thinking of brighter days. Connecting with the world, living outside my head. And you standing there, looking at me, so much love in your eyes. And that's the picture I want to take. Can you show me how to take that picture? A picture of you and me. I don't care if I'm a mess. I want to see how people would see you looking at me. I am pathetic. But I can do better. Promise. I want to be that hope in your eyes."

I unzipped my backpack and set up a small tripod on the other side of the room. Grey held the coffee mug tight in his hands and sighed when he drank. "Oh my god," he whispered. And he watched me work in silence. I looked through the lens and framed Grey on the left side of the image. I imagined where I would be standing. I picked the widest aperture and focused. I set the timer to 10 seconds and walked over to Grey. He brought the cup to his lips and looked up at me. I reached out my hand and began to lift him off the ground.

The shutter clicked.

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Values, Objectives and Results

I value love. I value light. I value momentum. I value patience. I value compassion. I value sustainable income. I value creativity. I value listening. I value happiness. I value effort. I value today.

My objective is to meditate. And here is a conversation with myself while settling into today's objective.

Objective: Sit in a comfortable position, hands interlaced resting at my belly, palms up, eyes closed. Spine straight from root to crown. Focus my awareness on the breath. Breathe in, slowly, lingering on the last inhale ever so slightly before starting to breathe out. Melting the tension in my neck and shoulders as I slow the patient exhale.

Me: Oh that feels good. So relaxing. I am lighter than ever. I feel loose. I wonder what that sound is? Is the radio still on? Are those water drops hitting the roof? Is that my hard drive? Is my hard drive going bad?

Objective: Listen to the sound. Smile at the sound. Don't analyze the sound. Let the sound be. Sound is like the wind. It is free. It moves. Do not try to control the sound. Focus your awareness on the breath.

Me: Breathing in. Slowly. I don't care what that sound is. It's probably the snow melting. I don't care. Hold the breath ever so lightly, now slowly breathe out. Relax the shoulders. Relax the tension in my sit muscles. Oh that feels good. Oh yes. I really need to get my act together. I should create a spreadsheet that 1) outlines my goals and 2) keeps track of my progress. Maybe weekly? Or monthly. I'm not sure. But ...

Objective: Really great thoughts. But let them go. Focus on the breath. Relax the tension in your eyes. Take a long, slow breath in. Hold it. Perfect. Now slowly breathe out while releasing all your tension. Your thoughts are tension. Let them go. Just sit comfortably and smile. Chakras aligned, shoulders loose, focusing your awareness on the breath.

Me: Wow. This seems to be working. It always seems to work. Now is not the time to do anything else but breathe in and out. Gloriously. Content with simply breathing. Oh.my.god. This feels amazing. I'll make sure to take my vitamins today. Pile the good on good. What a great day! I'll write a new blog post, gosh, I might even bang out my taxes. Bloody hell. I am on fire.

Objective: Focus your awareness on the breath. Just your breath. Simple in. Simple out. That's all you need to do.

Me: Copy that. Breathing in. Slowly. Breathing out. My tension melts away. No thoughts. No sounds. Just the wind.

The meditation lasted 15 minutes. By the end I was sitting comfortably, focusing my awareness on the breath. Along the way I had a few more random thoughts which I embraced, then I smiled and happily let them go. I heard footsteps on the sidewalk, a freight train, smells of curry. I was in the world but not judging it. I let everything go for 15 minutes, except for the breath.  

I feel lighter. I'm going to build that spreadsheet. Glad I waited. I love my friends. I'm going to apply for that photojournalism job. I'm going to take pictures and write stories. I'm grateful for meditation teachers. I'm not really sure what the day will bring but I am happy to be a part of it. And when my baby gets off work we are going to read William Carlos Williams, roast cauliflower and boogie.

Love, meditation & happiness. Got it.

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The Year in Review

I am grateful for sight.

When I first learned how to meditate I was instructed to keep my eyes open. But this was because I was trained by a kung fu master. In case of an attack. Master wanted me to be ready at all times, even in repose. So I kept my eyes open. But just barely. These little slits of light caffeinated my awareness and protected me from danger allowing the other part of me to rest. The part behind the eyes. My hope, my soul, my love. This part needed care. I was not trained to fight. I was trained to be compassionate. I was taught to protect compassion. As Master would say, "Concentrate your mind. Relax all of your body." Each awakened step is a mixture of perception and detachment.

I walk through the world knowingly.

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